Hayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job
TOKYO—Despite his hopes to retire permanently after the release of this year’s The Boy And The Heron, beloved Studio Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki announced his return to filmmaking Wednesday, citing a big-time fuckup at his new heating, ventilation, and air-conditioning installation job. “While I was eager to move… Read more…
Ron DeSantis Covers Himself In Shit To Become More Relatable To Common Man
LACONIA, NH—Barnstorming across the nation as his presidential bid falters amid weakening poll numbers, Gov. Ron DeSantis covered himself in shit at numerous campaign stops this week in an effort to appear more relatable to the common man. “Look at me! I’m an average Joe who’s covered in his own filth and doesn’t know… Read […]
Report: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels
WASHINGTON—Warning about the grave fallout should Republicans and Democrats fail to find common ground in negotiations, a report released Thursday by the Congressional Budget Office found that a government shutdown could imperil hundreds of Americans currently at the top of federally funded Ferris wheels. “Even a… Read more…
SNAP Recipients Now Required To Show Starvation-Induced Organ Failure
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming the plan would ensure benefits went toward those who truly needed them, a new proposal by San Francisco Mayor London Breed would require Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to demonstrate starvation-induced organ failure. “Starting today, all those applying for food stamp… Read more…
Unsound System
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Whole Foods Closes 6 More Stores After Customer Tries Blueberry Without Paying For It
AUSTIN, TX—Ascribing the decision to prioritizing the safety of the chain’s employees and customers, grocery retailer Whole Foods announced Thursday that they would be closing 6 more stores across the country after a customer tried a blueberry without paying for it. “If someone takes even one more blueberry, we’ll be… Read more…
Ford’s Theatre Tickets For Night Of Lincoln’s Murder Sell At Auction For $262,500
A pair of front-row balcony tickets to Ford’s Theatre on April 14, 1865—the night President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth—sold at auction for $262,500. What do you think? Read more…
What To Know About The United Auto Workers Strike
Thousands of United Auto Workers members have walked off the job since the union initiated its strike on Sept. 15. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about about the UAW strike. Read more…
Generation Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy
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Hamburger Helper Unveils New Line Of Erotic Casseroles Meant To Be Eaten Off Naked Body
CLEVELAND—Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand’s signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten off naked bodies. “No date night would be complete without Hamburger Helper’s… Read more…
